Happy Thursday!
Here’s a throwback..
I’m going to fill you in on a little hurdle I was faced with a couple years back. Two and a half years ago, half way through my 2nd year in college, I started to struggle with my singing voice. It got worse and worse as the year went on, until I couldn’t make it through one song without my voice completely cutting out on me. It was hurting me to sing.
I was advised to take a visit to a specialist, where I got a camera down to see what the story was. (wildly unpleasant experience). The results showed that I had a lot of scar tissue and abrasions along my vocal chords, unfortunately, surgery was the only option.
Hayley Jo Brain——> My career is over
……. I can be a little dramatic at times :)
In the summer of 2014, weeks before I started my 3rd and final year, I received vocal chord surgery. This surgery was the most frightening thing I think I’ve ever experienced. Compare it to an artist or musician having something happen to their fingers or wrist. Or a photographer having trouble with their sight. A dancer suffering a terrible injury. Compare it to any profession. If any accident or issue threatens your career, your passion, your profession… It is mind rattlingly terrifying.
Through all of this, I was highly anxious and concerned about my singing voice coming back, and it being the most crucial year in college. But stressing and being anxious was not going to help heal my vocal chords. I needed humour.
To live, you must laugh. Luckily, like most Irish, I have the ability to laugh at myself. So I found this pretty hilarious.
This photo was taken the day after my surgery. I wrote this note the minute I woke up from the anaesthetic. I have no memory of writing this, but the nurse left it on the hospital bed side table for me to read later.
Obviously just to mortify me. The note reads, or should read- "I hope I did not pee myself". ( I had watched a documentary beforehand about people under anaesthetic, and a number of people pee themselves during the surgery, so my subconscious mind was clearly very paranoid about it). But here is a tip.. always find the lighter side of things and laugh it off. :) Oh and yes... I was blonde for a very short period of time. Big mistake. HUGE. Managed to laugh that one off too. ;)
Returning to college that year was daunting for me.
Prior to the surgery, my vocal chords had been very over worked and worn down.
Definitely too much shouting and singing at Dublin GAA matches on Hill 16. That played a big part. But also, from mimicking what I thought I had to sound like. Listening to these big Broadway and West End stars and their crazy ‘twangy belt’. That big high note they hold in full voice with that twangy sound at the top… (trying to describe it for any non singers reading this).
I had spent two years in performing arts college, trying to force my voice to sound like them. But that is not my voice. I learned the hard way. We spend so much time in this day and age trying to become who we’re not, that we lose who we truly are.
I thought, I need to sound like that to be successful and to get jobs in musical theatre. My own natural voice isn’t good enough. My true self is not good enough.
Two years on, I am back singing, full time, and my voice is stronger than ever. But it took time, and patience and focus. It totally knocked my confidence and self esteem for a while. But I took the bull by the horns and ploughed through. It’s difficult coming back from injuries. But I did it. Each bump on the road makes us stronger and more capable of handling those hurdles that are put in our path. Last year, when I was struggling with confidence and anxiety and feeling down, there were many mornings that I did not want to get out of bed. I would lie there trying to conjure up excuses I could use. I would lie there typing the text/email out on my phone, ready to send. But then.. I would lie there…and think of the things I had conquered so far. The leaps I had made before i.e. The surgery and recovery through third year.
You have already done so much and made it through many storms. Remember that. Always.
Don’t make excuses. Don’t let that morning anxiety monster gobble you up. If I have a morning that I'm feeling like I want to make an excuse.. I count backwards from 10. I aim to sit up at 3. It really works! Try it.
Get yourself up. Count backwards from 10. If it doesn’t work the first time, go back to 10.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2,…. FLY MY PRETTY’S!!
And please.. never change….
HayJ xo
