So I had a read back through all the posts I’ve written. I mention the struggles and anxiety I’ve had but never actually go in deep. I tip toe around them. Which is actually what we all do with these issues.
Never have I shared with you exactly what it’s like or what I mean.
People also tend to talk about it when they’ve come out the other side of it. At one point I thought I HAD come out the other side. You never really do.
You learn to manage.
Few have spoken out whilst actually going through the battle.
I’ve had many highs and lows. I’ve been so high that I thought I’ll never come back down. I’ve had many lows where I thought I had no choice but to stay there.
I will never get as low or as anxious as I first experienced, because I have learned to manage it.
I took control. There aren’t many things that we can control. So take control of whatever you can.
It is when I feel like I’m losing control, that I start to lose myself.
It all gets very hazy. Everything starts moving very fast around me, and I start moving very slowly.
That is kind of how it starts.
Two weeks ago, I had an episode in the middle of Kings cross station. Everything was getting faster and louder around me, and I felt like I had sea shells over my ears. I couldn’t match the pace anymore. I lost control.
Now listen to this…. I sat on the floor in the middle of Kings Cross… like a CRAZY LADY.
I looked INSANE.
But I just couldn’t catch my breath. I felt dizzy, I was sweating and I couldn’t budge. I couldn’t stand.
A lady approached me, and knelt down in front of me and started telling me her name, where she was off to that day… she may have talked about the weather. I can’t quite recall. That lady brought me out of this frenzy I was in. Lady… wherever you are.. thank you for your kindness.
If you ask me, what triggered it? What was stressing me out? Why was I panicking? I don’t have answers. But I do know, that I took my hands off the wheel, and gave up control.
I didn’t pay attention to what my brain was trying to tell me before that. I needed to slow down. I needed to rationalise. I was worried about silly things… ants in my house, being able to pay rent, having to get my washing done that day, not getting to class enough, skipping the gym. Everything accumulated. And my brain crashed.
Too many tabs!!
I am back in control and I am dealing with no more than one tab at a time.
After that day… I had a week of not opening my blinds. Not wanting to wash my hair. Not wanting to eat properly or exercise. Until one afternoon, I opened my phone on the front camera and thought Mother Mary of almighty Jesus… girl you gotta get your ass in gear. And I have. What I want to say, is that anxiety attacks are a very real thing. They are scary. isolating. And must be handled with care and respect. It is very difficult to explain it to anyone who has never experienced it.
When I’m occupying my mind with good books or meeting friends or exercising… or even watching a really great documentary, I feel in control. I feel powerful. The simplest of things can make me feel like I’m in control. And the simplest of things can make you lose control.
Don’t be afraid to speak out and share your stories. Heck It’s hilarious that I sat in the middle of the floor in the busiest train station in the UK like a nutter!!
Don’t feel embarrassed or silly or inadequate about speaking out. There are so many levels and forms of anxiety. It isn’t always as extreme as the Kings Cross scenario. It can be awfully quiet as well. In fact, the quiet ones are the ones you need to really look out for. Listen carefully to what your mind and body is trying to tell you.
Take control of it. We are in control. You are in control.
And if you ever find yourself In London on your own, feeling like it’s all too much… I’m here.
Always.
Big love,
Hails xx
