There’s a bubble that you enter on the first day of rehearsals. Whether it be for a 12 month long contract or a 12 day contract, you immerse yourself into that world. Into that show, that character, those people etc. It’s difficult not to. I get quite attached to anything I do. So when the time comes to say goodbye, I don’t cope with it very well. I’m not a fan of endings. I’m not sure anybody is. Most recently I had a week long job on a cruise. One week. Leaving that ship and getting on that flight was absolutely rotten. ROTTEN!! For that week, you’re in paradise. A working paradise. A bubble so detached from reality that you just want to stay in it and live it all the time. But of course… you can’t. You have to return to your own reality. Store that week/month/year in your happy memory box and move on from it and be grateful it occurred. I feel it after I finish a panto contract! Big time. You’re on such a high for so long in the centre of Christmas spirit, and when it ends, it’s a come down. In January. The worst month in the year! Ha!!
For me, this time, instead of returning to, what became my normal everyday life, I gave myself one day to unpack, do my washing, pack again and sleep, then headed on a city jet plane to London. In my opinion, it’s the best remedy for post show blues. Put an end to something by starting something new. Your life chapters. We get complacent, we get bored, we get down and fed up. An awful lot of the time we choose to stay there because it seems easier, and less daunting. What does that lead to?
I don’t necessarily want to find out. Everyone is different. Itchy feet is something I get on a regular basis. Staying in the one place or in the one chapter for too long drives me insane. I need change. I don’t like change, but I need it. I don’t like it because it frightens me.
That quote that people are always using and sharing with scenic images behind it, making it look all too attractive- “If your dreams don’t scare you, they’re too small” or “If it scares you, do it”.. They go something like that. I’ve always read those type of quotes with such a romantic view of what they mean. Until now.
For the first time ever, I’m scared. Of what exactly? Haven’t a notion. Maybe I’m afraid of the consequences of change rather than the change itself, the unknown, the negatives, the possibility of actually succeeding in what I want to be… can that be a fear? Regardless of the root of fear.. I’m scared.. so I’m feckin’ doing it anyway. I understand those words so much clearer now.
Packed the suitcase with a duvet, two pillows, my dance shoes.. and £40 to my name. That is literally what my suitcase looked like. See photo.
Now I’m here, set up in my house, with lovely housemates, my friends around the corner, and I know that right now, where I am, is where I need to be. For how long, I cant say. I’ve only been here a flyin second. And sure… I’m back home in two weeks for panto rehearsals! After that, back to the ending of a contract, and no doubt, I’ll plunge myself back to London life to avoid those post show sorrows. What happens then? I’ll tell you when I get there…
This change for me is a massive deal. It’s a change that would probably be way more exciting and less daunting for others. But for me, It’s a big step. It’s over coming the demons. Telling them to GO AWAY.. Like ‘Will’ and the shadow monster in the nether.. a.k.a The Upside Down (for all you Stranger Things fans ;) ). I’ve done it. I feel I’ve already achieved something. And I’m super f**cking proud of myself. Sometimes it needs a little French just to show how passionate you are right? :).
So, if you happen to be reading this and you’re at any kind of cross roads in your life, or at the end of one of your chapters, choose the path that scares you the most. You know what they say, it will probably be the most exciting one. If anything, It will make for a damn good story.
I’m going to go now and make so damn good stories.
(I didn’t read this back to myself once by the way, and I’m not going to. Because I’m one fearless independent woman…. Until someone points out a really bad typo or spelling mistake.. please don’t.. just let it be.. :) xx )
