The dust has finally started to settle after the whirlwind that was Panto. It was magical, eventful, exhausting, hilarious and fantastically mad. Everything Panto land should be! I loved every minute of swanning around as a Disney Princess but, unfortunately, we can’t pretend to be princesses forever. ( scrap that! yes we can.. you go little prinny).
After taking a week off to rest and recover from the panto blues, it is time to pick up where I left off and get back in to the race of London auditions.
With already a few lined up, the reality monster is a knockin’ and the nerves and anxieties are a honkin’.
Whilst trying to prep myself for the upcoming auditions, I began to recall my worst audition moments. One might say that this would make the nerves worse, but actually, it has done the complete opposite. Maybe because nothing could be worse than what has already happened to me.
After each of my cringeworthy auditions, I’ve managed to see the funny side of them. I mean… after you’ve been cut for the millionth time.. what else have you got except your humour!?
You win some you lose some, but after countless “No’s”, it gets hard to just shake it off like it’s nothing. My new coping mechanism is humour. Of COURSE you need to take your career and work seriously. But I think a healthy balance is key.
So here’s a few stories about my disaster moments in auditions.. (one wasn’t even an audition but it is possibly the most disastrous). So come along and laugh at me as much as I laugh at myself :)
1. All too Literal
One of my first auditions back since recovering from my mini meltdown. I was ready. Oh I was so ready. An audition for a brand new musical. Even better. Dance call first… grand. The routine was locked in and we were being split into groups of two. (a little daunting). My name is called, along with the other girl, let’s say her name was Lola. I make my way into the deathly silent room, and feel the need to say something.. (why… WHY.. let the silence be.. just smile and say nothing for gods sake). So I open with the line..
ME: “Hi, I’m Hayley-Jo.. Lola will be here in a sec”..
THEM: “Yes we know.. we have your headshot here for a reason”.
Oh Hails you absolute prat.
The choreographer stands out..
Choreographer: “So the routine really travels as you know, so can we start right at the back wall to give yourselves room, that’s it, backs to the wall”
ME: *literally stands with my back against the wall*
Choreographer: “No no.. what are you doing.. come away from the wall please”
ME: *wants to die*.
Choreographer: "Oh this is going to be a long day"
I left the room laughing. Cried when I got home.... laughed about it the next day.
First audition story… not bad right? Yeah… thought I would ease you in gently.
2. Tried to wing it.. my wing broke
I get a call during work, in Dublin, saying I have an audition the next day at 10 in London. Madness… booked the flight and off I went. The audition was for a big musical in town. The song requirement was tricky… Contemporary/legit with a cockney accent preferably upbeat… mother of god, let me go to that particular section of my folder. I just did not have a song to fit that criteria (I do now! Lol). All I had was ‘I Got Rhythm’. Which is absolutely American. Not cockney. But feck it, I’ll make it work. Wait! Where is my sheet music for that!?… morning of the flight, frantically printed off new sheet music. What could go wrong…. Ahem..
Dance call first. All went well. Got called back to sing. Fab!!
I handed my music to the pianist who looked at me with quite a concerned expression. He asked.. “Is this definitely the key?”
In my head: “Oh god oh god oh god oh god…”
ME: "Yep! That’s the one!”
My head: “WHAT”.
SO! I proceeded to SCREAM “I Got Rhythm” at the audition panel, about 12 keys higher than I sing it.. about 40 octaves too high.. and with a diabolical australian that was meant to be cockney accent.
I wish I could’ve taken a photo of their horrified expressions.
Total F up on my part. But what could I do other than come out of that room and die laughing at my own crippling embarrassment and idiocy. Will I ever make that mistake again? NEVAAA! - always check the key kids!
3. Never Lie on your CV… PLEASE
Well… I decided to lie and say that I could play an instrument. I can’t… not even the recorder.
But not just any instrument.. I said I could play the Bodhran. I didn’t even own a bodhran. The casting director asked me to bring my bodhran along.
Where on earth was I going to find a bodhran. So the night before, my mam called up her friend, who’s dad had a bodhran. So I picked up the bodhran and brought it home for a last minute practice. It was all fun and games until I arrived at the audition, and there was a PROFESSIONAL BODHRAN PLAYER sitting beside me. I should’ve backed out then but I thought, no. You’re doing this. So when the time came, I took out that bodhran and walloped it with that beater like my life depended on it. Wink and a smile and a 1,2,3…. I didn’t get the gig. But the guy I was sitting beside? He got the lead role! I never saw him after that day…. Congrats man.. some bodhran player!
So I died laughing after that one too. What kind of chancer did I think I was!? Any lies that you’ve got on that CV? Go change it… now!!
4. Don’t show your knickers to the band
This one wasn’t an audition. But it absolutely cheered me up during a rocky time. Anyone who is in the audition game and the performance industry in London knows that a lot of the time, you end up working away in a job that you do not have one bit of interest in..
Well, I was working in a certain department store, either selling perfume or a GHD or something along those lines. Now, there are strict rules with these particular jobs. You must wear a black blazer, black blouse and black trousers or skirt. No shorter than 2 inches above the knee. What a bore.. this particular morning, I couldn’t find anything so I threw on a pair of cute, high wasted tailored shorts. When I arrived I was told they were far too short. I was sent out at lunch to purchase a long black pencil skirt. Grabbed one for £10. Would do the job. Right before heading back onto the shop floor I went into the ladies room to go to the loo and change. I was in a bit of a rush. Came back out, threw my bag in the locker and off I marched. Head in the clouds. Although, on my journey towards the double doors onto the shop floor, I was getting the strangest looks… a few giggles.. a few nods. Did I have food all over my face or? Hang on… As I looked down.. I saw.. to my horror.. all I was wearing on the bottom were my shoes, tights and my bright blue knickers. Oh… a bright blue thong to make it even more of a punch line.
I wish I was exaggerating..
PIVET!! RUN!!! OH MY GOOD GOD…. I had forgotten to put my skirt on. Took the shorts off, put them in my bag , and pulled up my tights. No skirt.
Now THAT.. I believe, has been my finest London moment so far. But boy did I laugh..
So there you have it!! Find the humour in everything you possibly can…. When you get cut from auditions again and again, and you’re working a tough ol’ job in London that you don’t want.. sometimes all you have is your humour. Cause you certainly won’t have money!
Don’t take life too seriously… This life is all we’ve got. And if we laugh more? Who knows.. it might help us live a little longer. After you read this, have a think about any hilarious stories you might have. And please do share them with me… I love laughing at myself… But I also love laughing at you… :)
I have had my fair share of disastrous auditions and I have learnt from them all. I can’t control what is going to happen when I get in that room. But I can control how I cope with that sense of no control… Nothing is going to get me down and ain’t nothin’ gonna break my humour!
I hope 2018 brought you all lots of the kind of laughs that hurt your tummy, make you slap your leg and clap like a seal.
Hay J xx.
